Being a Mom is a hard, hard gig. And the hardest part? The constant self doubt. Am I doing this right? What is 'right'? Is my child secure enough? Is he disciplined enough? Am I setting up good routines for the future?
And its hard to screw up the courage to ask other Moms these questions. They seem to have it all together; they seem confident in their decisions. They say 'follow your intinct'. What if I have no instinct? Did mine dissapear because I waited until the age of 38 to have my baby?
And here's another thing: Moms can be pretty hard on each other. In an area of life that requires complete solidarity, I observe a lot of judgement. Which is strange, because in other areas of life (marriage, career etc.) I think women are pretty supportive of the choices their peers make. There is a lot of freedom to 'do what's right for you'. If your choice results in failure, women say 'hey, you tried your best; better luck next time'. So far, I do not observe the same support in the arena of motherhood. And this makes it even harder to admit it when you're having a rough time.
The ultimate Thing To Never Admit is if you're not sure how you feel about the squalling ball of fury that is your child. The fairy tale of instant bond between mother and child is alive and well. If that particular sentiment passes you by, don't admit it. It'll shock the pants off your listener.
Of course, you'll probably fall in love with our child over time (the way we fell in love with our partners; how many people actually experienced love at first sight, right?). And I'll probably gain confidence in my decisions as I practise making them. All these challenges are temporary in nature and part of the process of growing into being a parent. But this is the key: GROWing into being a parent. It is a PROCESS, a process in which we (I) need supportive friends, and an encouraging society. Let's stop being so hard on each other. Let's stop being so hard on ourselves. 'Cause man, being a Mom is hard enough.
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Amen, sister! That's exactly the right attitude to have about judgement; we ladies of the 2000s are really hard on ourselves, wanting/expecting to have it all. But do remember that true friends won't judge, and are always ready to talk about the things you feel are unmentionables. Not loving your child right away? Completely fine; you've got a lot on your plate, those feelings come later, after the shock that something in the universe actually though you could handle this! And you will handle it, and don't forget old biddies like me who will answer any questions you might have, no judgement attached! Love, MJ
ReplyDeleteI hear ya Meg... It's HARD and sometimes I feel like I am simply limping through each day. Someone gave me great advice... don't expect to thrive for the first three months - don't expect that you will be able to do with any sort of finesse... your job the first three months is simply to survive it. That helps take the pressure off of me. Some early mornings I definitely do not 'like' her -- but it surprises me that even if she is screaming and I want to scream along with her and I barely want her at that exact moment, if anyone tried to hurt her would rip their heads off! That also helps to get me through the nights :) Moms are brutal... I actually try to avoid talking to some of them if I can. Or I avoid divulging any information about me or my kid... they can tell me all they want about their kid and what they decided to do but I am not going to give them any ammunition!
ReplyDeleteKatie