My First Mothers Day ( a few months late)

I wrote this many months ago, before Mothers Day, but was not satisfied that it really hit the nail in my head. I've read it again and it is close, but still not exact....perhaps I am still searching for the meaning of motherhood. Perhaps I will search for it, and find it, and search again for my whole life as my relationship with my son changes? Anyways, here is what I imperfectly put into words:


For my own Mother Day -my very first- I have been trying to put into words what this role means to me. It means a whole lot, I know. When Avery was born (my friend Jennifer's baby, who's birth I was blessed to be at) it shook my foundations; but when William was born it was even more profound, changing what and where those foundations existed...as you see I still struggle for the right analogy, the right phrases to capture what his coming has meant to me. I still don't have it quite right.


It has somethig to do with role. Being a Mom puts you in the club. Passing other mothers (and a few fathers) with children in pousettes, we give each other a knowing nod. I know she gets it, like fellow combat soldiers or bikers on life's highway. Greg has noticed that I am much happier living in Paris since William has arrived: I now know what I do, have some answer for those inquisitors at cocktail parties (not that there have been many of those) asking 'so what do you do?'. I 'do' motherhood, big time. The yoga I practise now includes my baby; the books I read are to help me raise him well; the shopping is to meet his needs (and 'cause the clothes are so darm cute) and the decorating.....doesn't exist! Almost everything is about him and for him. Perhaos this is unbalanced and the pendulum will need to swing back to center at some point. Perhaps, but for now I am reveling in the intensity of the role.


This new role has forced me to be different, think different and act different. Its not all about me anymore, or even me and Greg. Its about William (usually) and what William needs (mostly). I think this is what I was struggling so hard with a few months back. I was losing the old me and hadn't found the new me yet. For someone who once upon a time was questioning whether she even wanted to be a Mom this was a tough transition. Face it, Greg and I had it pretty good! A happy relationship, lovely home, good jobs, great friends...I wondered what a baby would do to all of that. Quite a lot, as it turned out. But I no longer worry about it....these changes are more than OK.


I used to say you did not need to have a child to have children in your life, and I still believe that to be true. It is wonderfully fulfilling to be an auntie, a godmum or a Big Sister. But with William's arrival I now feel that having a child is one of the most important and fulfilling things I could do with my life. Author Abraham Verghese writes that children are a foot wedged in the door of mortality and this feels true; that it is important to know you will leave a little bit of something good behind you when you die. Though children do help us elude death, is the task of their raising that is so fulfilling. But he also writes that as satisfying as it is to cheat death, it is most important to make something beautiful of your life; that beautiful thing right now is William.



And the new me is a Mom...so again what does that mean? It means I'm the one up at 4 am feeding him. It means I buy, wash and choose his clothes each day. It means I notice the moment he stills his play in need of a nap. It means I get to delight in his giggles and cherish his small body. It means I have the right to touch, and hold, and wash, and feed, and cuddle and play with this amazing baby. I get to watch his 'aha' moments as he rolls over and grabs at life. I get to be the one he wants when the chips are down, and know that I can soothe him just by my presence.

That's huge. That's powerful. That's being William's Mum.

(and Happy Mothers Day to everyone else in the club!)